For many years I’ve heard people speak on the importance of conquering our fears. I thought to conquer a fear meant to take something you’re afraid of doing, and simply do it. So that’s what I would do. The problem was and still is, I’m still pretty scared of those same things. The fear is still there. How can that be? I fear singing in front of people, I was on a Praise Team for years. I fear showing my thighs in shorts, I rocked shorts all summer long. I fear starting my blog and videos, I’ve done it before!
How can I fear something that I’ve conquered? I recently realized I never dealt with the true fear, only the product of my fears. I’m not afraid of singing in front of people, I have fear of failure. I’m not afraid of showing my thighs, I have fear of judgement. I’m not afraid of writing and videography, I fear not being good enough. For so long I would never announce my fear. I would just hold it in and ignorantly believe, if I don’t say it, its not true! Um….yeah… Wake up to reality girl!
As brave and full of faith I am, I also recognize I’m holding onto a lot of fear. Fear that came from somewhere. Where? When did it all start? These are just a few of the questions I had to ask myself so that I could finally reach my freedom that I cling on to today.
Here’s my raw moment: When I was a little girl I had no fear of failing. I believed that I had gifts inside of me, and God gave me my unique name, because one day the world would need my gifts. I loved singing and dancing, and pretty much anything that involved music. Until one day… One day someone gave a harsh critique to my singing. Someone who’s opinion of me mattered so much. From that day on, I always second guessed my singing, and feared being a let down to those listening. It was the same story for the shorts. After hearing people I admired talk badly about women with thick thighs in shorts, I figured I too would be on their talk list. I began to fear being judged by people. Then with the blog and videos, I’ve had small success on my previous uploads and work, but not at the level I would have liked. I struggle with the comparison trap; fearing I won’t be as good as others. Before I began my site I thought, what if no one sees and likes my work?
The thing that’s so crazy that just hit me as I’m typing is, the things that bring me so much joy, I fear to do! Straight crazy! I had a moment last year while I was driving to some local shops. I began to laugh. There I was driving on the highway, giggling in my car to myself…. I’m a little off, I know ;) I was having a conversation with God thanking Him for bringing me to a place of joy that I fought so hard for. Fear had me so bound and in a place of hopelessness. Then what joy is came to me: Joy is not internalizing external things. <—- Read that statement over a few times.
With the history of the fears I listed above I had internalized external things and it robbed me of my joy and gave me fear instead. I allowed others opinions to become my truths. To conquer fear you first must dig to the root of it, and snatch that sucker up! God has shown me the truth in the scripture, “…In thy presence is fulness of joy.” (Psalm 16:11) The more time I spend in His presence, the more I am filled with joy, and the more fear leaves me. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me, and I will be strong and very courageous, because perfect love casts out fear, for God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind!