If you didn’t know already, I am in school for Digital Cinematography, and now that your face looks puzzled I’ll say Filmmaking. I’ve completed my AS and will be wrapping up my BS in Spring of 2020. When I began school I felt so motivated and accomplished. I finally had something that I wanted to do, knew I was meant to do, and was taking the necessary steps to do it. I was doing what so many don’t do in their life, I was pursuing my passion. I took some time off from school after baby #3 and made the decision this year to jump right back in and continue going after my dreams. I was so thrilled to begin again and take my education and career to the next level. Soon after my classes began, and I’m talking real soon, that passion and fire I had, flickered out.
Film has always made my eyes sparkle. Working in front of and behind the camera is just built in my DNA, and yet, there I was getting ready to put the final touches on a school project and my heart was not in it. I sat on the edge of my bed and asked myself, “Is this what I want to do? Do I really want this anymore? God, am I meant to do this?” I questioned everything. I sat there consumed and confused, not feeling so sure about my future and the journey I signed up for. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t quit no matter how I felt, that even if I didn’t want to do it anymore, I could not quit, not being so close, I could not quit.
I even tried to look at old school projects I created that always helped encourage me and spark a big flame in me, but while watching I felt no connection. I just became indifferent noticing that I once was so passionate and sure about film. I then did what I know to do when I have questions, I prayed. I prayed daily asking God what I should do and if film was a part of His will for my life. Two things I do not like doing that goes hand in hand: wasting time, and messing up. Now look, I know we all make mistakes, but dude I do not like making mistakes when it comes to life decisions. I’m like, God, I wanna get it right the first time.
I continued to seek God and hoped for some form of an answer. I was hoping for a loud voice to just say, “Shervyse, do this….” That would have been wild and cool, but it did not happen. You see about a year ago God had given me clear instructions on what He has called me to do, and every since that moment I questioned all my future plans. I thought what he called me to do, was ALL I was meant to do. I became excited and confused at the same time, but God is not the author of confusion. So I became stuck. Constantly asking God for more, more information, more details, more instructions, because again, I do not like to waste time or mess up.
So what happened next? Come close, I’ll tell you…..
I was watching television one night and this show was advertised and I just shook my head and said, “There has got to be better”. Clear as day I heard If you won’t, then who will? I just started to cry, cause y’all know I’m an excellent crier! God began to minister to me and tell me that I was meant to do my dreams and that He placed them there. Yes, I’m still meant to do my calling, and also, my passion because He gets the glory in both; and I get to use the gifts He placed in me. God shared with me that I was never meant to do just one thing, that I wasn’t made like that, and that I always had huge dreams that included so many different avenues, but they all always were about helping his people. He told me that He trusts me, and I’m just filling with tears again.
Guys so many times I feel unworthy and so small and I think how can I, and how will I, and God constantly tells me and sends people to tell me that I will. In my moments of weakness I look at my own strength and forget that it is through Christ that I can do ALL things. God took time out of His day to speak life into lil ol’ me. He knows my every desire and when our will matches His will, all doubts are cancelled out!
In this season I gotta put my blinders on and stay focused. I’m looking to the hills where my help comes from, my help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth! Y’all better get ready because this flickering flame has been stabilized and I’m ready to set some things ablaze.