I have had the title of today’s blog written on my calendar for over a month! Been busy doing home renovation projects and getting my boys ready for their new school year. Oh, the boys have started their new school year and I have finally finalized their lesson plans for the year! Whew…Now I’m ready to get back on my neglected blog and share with you all many things I’ve been working on over the year.
I’m not sure if I already told you all or not, but my word for the year is Release. I am not only looking forward to things being released to me, but things being released off of me. I’ve been focused the last few years on getting my mental health together. Putting in the work and time to truly allow my mind to be transformed and renewed. It will amaze you, the many things in our lives that are directly influenced by our mindsets.
A month or so ago I was fasting with my Sis-In-Loves (How some saved folk say Sis-In-Law), and we were sharing our experiences during the fast. We all joked about how being on the fast removed all our go-to coping mechanisms. When our crutches were removed, we were then forced to rely on God instead, which we all agreed should have been our go-to in the first place!
Prior to being on the fast I did a healthy eating devotional with a friend from church. The author talked about comfort foods and the need for us to rely on God for comfort instead of sweets and snacks. I never thought I was one seeking food over God and that hit me hard! I knew I was an emotional eater, but it wasn’t until that moment I realized the times in my life I ran towards the short lived comfort of food, instead of the lasting comfort of my loving Father God.
When you go on a fast you choose something you love to eat or enjoy doing that you feel takes up more room than it should in your life, and you choose to devote more time to Christ. The beginning is usually the hardest, as you realize just how much time and effort went into things other than the building of your faith and relationship with God. As time goes on, you have this grand moment, though sometimes just a minute of your time, when you come to grips that the things you used to run to, you don’t need to run to anymore; and you don’t want to run to anymore.
Well, on our fast, three of the things I was fasting from was, sweets, long scroll time on social media, and television higher than a PG rating. I saw your face as you read that, and I think I even heard a chuckle, but listen, as the preachers like to say, “Stay with me. I’m going somewhere with this”. I actually started out fasting from many different foods, but after my body almost gave up the ghost twice from lack of nourishment, I realized I wasn’t meant to reach that level of holiness, and had to just cut out sweets. Use discernment when fasting!
I had reached the halfway mark on our fast and Holy Sprit seriously lead me to a thinking session, because I know I would not have willingly went there on my own.
One day I was sitting on my bed and some provoking thoughts came: Why do I run to sweets, socials, and tv so much? Why am I finding it so hard this season to turn away from them? What pull do they have on me? What am I seeking to get out of them, that I’m supposed to be getting from God? When did it start?
Soooo….you know I was sitting in my room messed up for a minute right?!
After some recalling and analyzing I realized I was seeking two things from the entertainment and food: Acceptance and Comfort…..Mind Blown… I know! I told you it had to be Holy Spirit, because it sure nuff wasn’t me!
I looked back over my life and I realized food became a comfort for me. I’ve experienced many dark days in my past, and many nights I would not go to sleep, but instead, would stay up eating and watching tv to numb my pain and to escape my feelings and environment. Food and Television became my comfort zones, a safe place of refuge. I’m starting to reach the real vulnerable place right now….
I began to see the need for comfort, then I wanted to examine the desire for acceptance. Ahhh to be accepted. It is a world wide desire. I had allowed myself to once again fall into the social media trap of wanting to be seen and heard. I see so many people online fall into that trap and then post videos of how they’re trying to come up out of depression, or how they stepped away for so long because it was too much. I thought about how I felt after scrolling so much. Although many posts I saw were entertaining, and many made me smile, after all the scrolling though, I came up empty.
I would get up from my scrolling and realize how much time had passed and all I was doing was siting there watching other peoples life and compared mine to it. DO NOT COMPARE!
I confessed to my husband one day that I absolutely love and enjoy my life so much, and then I scroll and start to take out the good life measuring stick and think I have so far to go. I found myself wanting my life to look like others and wanting others to look at me and make me feel like I was worth something.
Ouch….this is getting way too personal, too real, too fast!
On a real tip, I was still holding so much hurt from people who literally made me feel like I was nothing, that any double tap or comment that was positive I so badly wanted, because I allowed those things to make me feel as if I was being seen, and that for a moment, someone thought I was worth the time.
Let me stop right there and say, that day in my room, Holy Spirit lead me to this truth: Get your Acceptance and Comfort from God! He will not fail you! I thought about all the mean folk I experienced and how they made me feel, then I thought about how God made me feel. I thought about all the people I wanted to impress and I wanted to accept me, and I realized I’m accepted by The King Jesus! I thought about the sweets and countless hours of comedy I ingested that never filled me, but in the presence of God my cup would run over.
If you’ve found yourself seeking to feel acceptance and comfort from anything other than The Lord, today decide to replace those empty moments with Him. He accepts you just as you are, and He thinks the world of you. God will comfort you like no other. I may be a work in progress, but I’m glad to say I’m making progress.